Simply Put...

Relationships aren't easy. I've seen the ups and downs of everyone around me and the struggles within their relationships. I have my own. It takes work, understanding, patience and forgiveness. Most of all it takes communication. While not all of these areas have come easily in my relationship, I have always been treated respectfully, never talked down to, never made fun of, accepted 100% for me the way I am. I have a very sweet, gentle, giving guy. He even cleans without being asked.

I know no relationship is is easy. I'll take the trials we have any day over being made to feel less than important or loved or respected. It's invaluable to me that through it all, ups and downs that I am emotionally, mentally, and physically treated with so much love!

Happiness is a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy. ~Gretta Brooker Palmer

I have been thinking about "happiness" lately. Happiness is different for every person. For some it's sourced from their family, friends, God, religion, success, job etc. Everyone's perception of happiness is different too. For example, I don't source happiness from a job, or my car or success. Having those things make me happy, but I don't source my sense of happiness and who I am from these things.

You see, things add to my happiness but aren't what I live for and why I want to wake up every day. When I'm feeling down and out, my family and friends and faith and prayers keep me going. I always remind myself that even though things suck at the moment, it ALWAYS works out. One thing I have learned is to be grateful for my trials. I do believe that we will never be given something we can't handle. I've survived some pretty terrible things in my life. I have felt lower than low and almost got in my car and drove away from everyone I knew. I used to scratch my arms to the point of almost causing them to bleed! I was told I was doing what cutters do but without cutting myself. I was manifesting physically, what I felt emotionally. I will never forget those feelings. Most of these things were triggered by inner struggle and the fear of choosing what I needed to do for me, and NOT worrying about everyone else.

It took me 4, VERY long, grueling months of counseling. Endless tears, anger, reliving things I had suppressed for years. I knew I had to face the ugly. I was ready. And you know what, it wasn't easy but so completely worth it.

I feel alive again. I am happy, to the core. It doesn't mean life doesn't suck and I don't have bad days. But in the end, take away everything I have and as long as I have my family, friends and the ability to pray, I'll be okay! And I'll be happy.

I feel terribly sad for those out there who cannot source happiness from within, from their faith and relationship with God or have something at the center of the heart and mind that offers up genuine happiness.

I feel that happiness closely correlates with gratitude. Those who aren't grateful seem to be the most miserable people I've met in my personal experience. People want to have bigger and better "things" and go into great amounts of debt for them. People want to be skinnier, prettier, more popular, rich and/or famous. Some think another human being in their life will fulfill them and make them happy, or having a child or a yacht. It's simply an unhealthy outlook to not be grateful for what is given to us, to continually want more than we have and to forget to acknowledge God in our lives.

I read in my Psych 100 class that the best cure for depression is service. Is this not a principle that the Savior himself lived? Forget about yourself, take time daily to list the blessings and gifts granted to us. And in those really dark moments, and believe me I've had some, sometimes the only thing you might be able to be grateful for is the fact you're breathing. But it's another day to better ourselves, educate ourselves, help each other out and LIVE!

This topic is on my mind with significant amounts of my brain being sucked up in thought about this because I have a sibling that suffers greatly from lack of happiness. As much as I get angry about it, at the end of the day, it's really that I'm very sad for this person and wish I could make it better. Sometimes, all we can do is pray for others.

I can't imagine waking up each day and feeling unhappy. I am grateful that is not a burden I have to carry.

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy. ~Robert Anthony

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

Indeed, man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible. ~St. Augustine

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour. ~Author Unknown

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Kennewick, Kids, and men Oh my!

I've had a wonderful weekend down here in Kennewick! Lot's of loves and snuggles and laughing and giggly little girls. I won't say I'm caught up on sleep because I have this very cute, 5 year old with big brown eyes who likes to snuggle up with me for the nights when I'm here.. well... she snores, breathes loudly cause she has a constant stuffy nose and she kicks me in my ribs an butt on and off throughout the night... and I wouldn't give it up for anything! These are the memories that just add on to my inner happiness... and in the moments when I don't feel so happy, I dig in to my "Auntie bucket."

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I stared off into the darkness full of memories of living here before. I moved to Kennewick in September of 2009. The first part of that year was tough. I went to counseling for 4 months and came out of it feeling like an entirely different woman.

Summer of 2009 was fun and I reconnected with some people I knew from when I was younger. My first night in Kennewick was fun. DeAnne and her family were in Spokane and I had the house to myself. I talked on the phone with a friend and the rest is history. Fall of 2009 to fall of 2010 was so fun! Life-changing. I felt alive! I was free, happy, and uninhibited in a way...

Alaina was a newborn baby. Kate was 3 and loved doing homework with me. I remember doing homework and sitting on my big bouncy ball/desk chair and bouncing lil Alaina to sleep. I loved helping Big D out and being an Aunt fills that "mommy" in me. Child birth terrifies me! I can't imagine. Ugh!

Kennewick was good for me. I really found myself and that year of my life offers some of my happiest moments and memories. I'm grateful for my friend that was a huge part of my life then, and I'm grateful for my little babies that make my heart smile!

Being and Aunt is the next best thing!

Life is too short!

I sit here, in the last quarter of the year and have the same feelings and thoughts I get every year. The end of year is one of my favorite times in a year. I love the cool, crisp feeling of the fall air. I LOVE Christmas music and I LOVE Christmas. You know, the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Christ?... When communities come together and help take care of each other.

I love the holidays and I think that I still have my youthful, innocent hope of these times. Why innocence? Because every year these feelings of overwhelming happiness come around. And every year, they seem to be shot to hell in a hand basket real quick!

When I think of the holidays, I think of family. I grew up in a religion that family is one of the MAIN points of this life and the next. I don't think that's the case in my family most of the time! While I am not perfect, I am inactive from church, and I'm single, there is nothing more important to me than family and sometimes I wonder if my family remembers the teachings of the scriptures and the prophets.

Now I realize that when someone gets married, that family becomes priority. Maybe because I am still unmarried, do I still look forward to my family getting together. I look so forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings. I think about when I was a kid and the fun times. Getting up in the middle of night and undoing our stockings. I remember sitting in the living room and talking with my siblings all night, enjoying the Christmas lights. I remember we weren't allowed to wake the parents up before 6am. I have fond memories of Christmas and always want to make new, happy memories each year.

It seems this is not ever going to happen in my family again. We've gone from being a blended, strange mixture of people being kids, to grown-ups with their own kids and all but hating other family members for various reasons. It seems like my mom especially, can do no right in people's eyes. Siblings can't stand each other for various reasons, and some just seem to get snottier and "better" than the rest of us as each year continues. I feel that some in-laws think their family is better than ours and would rather stick fire-burning coals in their eyes than spend time with my family! We as adults, can't get past our differences for even 3 hours out of one day in a year! Most of us don't even call each other anymore. So Christmas gathering is a bunch of already pissed off adults before they walk through the doors, dreading seeing the family member they can't stand the most, waiting for some drama moment to happen, sitting there with attitude and watching the clock til this has to end, unhappy, un-christian like adults. HOW SAD and SHAMEFUL!

I realize we aren't gonna all see eye to eye all the time. We all choose to live our lives how we see fit for us. That's fine. But WHY can't we all put our differences aside and put the spirit of Christ and of Christmas in our hearts and enjoy a beautiful, short amount of time with each other?

The Savior, family and eternity, service, love one another, bear each others burdens.... all of these are values that are instilled and ingrained in us as members of the church. You can all sit and think I'm a hypocrite for sighting these things since I don't go to church. No I'm not perfect and I don't pretend I am. No I don't go to church,but before you all sit in judgment of me and my post and get pissed about it, how about a little self-reflection first.

I would love to sit with my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews and be HAPPY!!!! Watch the kids all play with each other, enjoy the music of the season... Is it really so hard to put on a smile, come with a good attitude rather than one of dread (which I'm just as guilty of in the past) and have fun! Crap, we can't even have a peaceful white elephant gift exchange without someone getting pissed.

My resolve this year is to have fun, show up with a positive attitude and enjoy the little time that my family actually will spend together for a few hours out of 365 days with each other. Life is too short! I love my family and imperfect and silly as each of us are! I wouldn't trade it for any other family!